POLITICALY OFFENSIVE HUMOR

More Political Offensive Humor (below) submitted in Honor of DHS Deputy City Attorney Thomas R. Neumann

Some greatly appreciate his recent efforts to use city tax payers money to launch un substantiated character assassinations against those hard working dedicated DHS volunteers who happen to also exercise their First Amendment Rights in disagreement with current city leadership.

Please continue to honor this individual by sending us your Politically Offensive Humor too!

06/21/05

This "Dilbert" humor submitted in honor of our Current City Manager

A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR
PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL-LIFE, DILBERT-TYPE MANAGERS.
HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp.)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant
manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)

06/15/05

Submitted in honor of Thomas R Neuman who uses city taxpayer dollars to slander those who question his boss.

LAUGH FOR THE DAY!

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to takethe boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to readher book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

"If you do, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

... MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

06/03/05

30 Years Difference:

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1973: Acid rock
200! 3: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM

1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian


1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always! been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth. It's the only pla! net with chocolate.

03/28/05

Thanks Marilyn

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:


1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:


1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4 Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Thoughts for the weekend


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

03/15/05

Thanks Nanette

A Pakistani arrives in New York City .    All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... 

"The person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Japanese." 

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay
here..." 

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence:  "I no be American, I be Turk!" 

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by:  "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." 

"But my friend, don't  you see that I am black? I am African, not American"

He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him. "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country", but he says, "I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican" 

"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Americans??" 

The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all work 'til five.

Sent: Friday, February 11, 2005
Subject: Teaching Math

Thanks Nanette

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............

Subject: HOW DO THEY SURVIVE??

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could

have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so

she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue

to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had

set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office

of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems

with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the

branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of

my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal

colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the

copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to

take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be

fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."