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More
Political Offensive Humor (below) submitted in Honor of DHS
Deputy City Attorney Thomas R. Neumann
Some
greatly appreciate his recent efforts to use city tax payers
money to launch un substantiated character assassinations
against those hard working dedicated DHS volunteers who happen
to also exercise their First Amendment Rights in disagreement
with current city leadership.
Please
continue to honor this individual by sending us your Politically
Offensive Humor too!
06/21/05
This
"Dilbert" humor submitted in honor of our Current City
Manager
A
MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. THEY
WERE LOOKING FOR
PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL-LIFE, DILBERT-TYPE
MANAGERS.
HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two
weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales,
Microsoft Corp.)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown
problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that
are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule." (Plant
manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few
weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then
asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive,
FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10.
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive)
06/15/05
Submitted in
honor of Thomas R Neuman who uses city taxpayer dollars to
slander those who question his boss.
LAUGH FOR THE DAY!
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to takethe boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors and continues to readher book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that
obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write
you up.
"If you do, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game
warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
... MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also
think.
06/03/05
30
Years Difference:
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
200! 3: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always! been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de
plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even
is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old
fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of
you who have trouble reading.
Save the earth. It's the only pla! net with chocolate.
03/28/05
Thanks
Marilyn
GAMES
FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS
OF MENOPAUSE:
1.
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on
them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD
IS WHEN:
1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4 Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive,
Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Thoughts
for the weekend
I
signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I
just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's
what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
03/15/05
Thanks Nanette
A Pakistani
arrives in New York City . All
excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good
day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and...
"The person interrupts and says: "I am not
American, I'm Japanese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank
you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay
here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I
no be American, I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Mr.
American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am
African, not American"
He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets
him. "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful
country", but he says, "I'm not an American, I'm
a Mexican"
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where
are the Americans??"
The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they all work
'til five.
Sent:
Friday, February 11, 2005
Subject: Teaching Math
Thanks Nanette
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for
class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
trees. (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de
production es.............
Subject:
HOW DO THEY SURVIVE??
ONE
Recently,
when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I
asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter.
"You
don't?" I replied.
"We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So
I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I
was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by
the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for
the bar code so
she
could scan it.
Not
finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
this is?"
I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today."
She
said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She
had no clue
to
what had just happened.
THREE
A
lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using
the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I
recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I
knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
to fit this?"
"Hmmm,
I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As
I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several
years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost
out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just
use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
SIX
I
was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need
of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had
set
the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make
a sandwich.
SEVEN
My
neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office
of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems
with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of
the
branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from
the back of
my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police
in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander
on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the
copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
truth.
Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A
mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to
take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.
The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be
fine,
the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher:
Rush him in to emergency!
"Life
is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
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